Why Do We Lie More Than We Think? And How It Could Be Harmful to Us
Lying is a common human trait, but it can have serious consequences. In the BBC series The Traitors, contestants are rewarded for persuading others to believe an alternative version of events, and the drama hinges on who can best control the narrative. In real life, we don't want to think of ourselves as like the competitors in the show because we think 'liars are bad people'. However, many of us underestimate how often we bend the truth. From small social excuses to deliberate deceptions, lying is something most of us do, often without stopping to think about why.
Psychologist Kimberley Wilson, host of the BBC's Complex podcast, says that many of us pretend we don't lie. This can apply to white lies like telling a housemate you didn't have time to clean when you couldn't be bothered, or - more harmfully - pretending you're working late to cover an affair. Psychotherapist Dr Charlotte Cooper says that a lie like this can highlight a problem in the relationship. She explains that lying is 'telling a story with the intention to deceive people' and that warps reality in a powerful way which can ultimately be damaging.
In the real world, Dr Cooper says that the same behaviors can leave us isolated, anxious, and disconnected. The consequences, she says, tend to be cumulative rather than entertaining. Research analyzing around 100,000 lies suggests about 20% are about managing social engagements - getting out of plans or smoothing over awkward interactions in relationships. Most people tell one or two small lies a day, the study found.
Frequent lying soon becomes a 'risky tactic' says Dr Cooper, as there's the possibility of being exposed. This latent threat changes how we relate to each other. Even when a lie is not discovered, the deception forces us to interact at a more superficial level. Conversations become thinner and more guarded, because detail becomes dangerous. Over time, that self-censorship can be deeply isolating. Dr Cooper explains that 'lying is really lonely. You are creating a solo reality and you are out on a little planet by yourself'.
While lies can make the moment feel easier, they often make what comes next harder. The emotional cost is what psychologists call cognitive burden. Dr Cooper says, 'We think about surviving that immediate moment and then you don't think about what happens after this'. Maintaining a false story requires constant mental effort: remembering what was said, to whom, and when, which can be 'a lot to carry'.
So, can lying ever be justified? It depends on the lie, and who is doing it. Dr Cooper says not all lies are harmful and some can 'protect us psychologically or keep us safe'. She explains that children often lie instinctively as a form of self-protection to avoid being told off and adults may also lie automatically in moments of panic. She describes a spectrum of severity. Mild lies of omission are forgivable, while 'sticky' mid-range deceptions can often be resolved with support and kindness. But lasting acts of deceit - like long-term affairs - are different. At this extreme end, she says, the lies can last decades, and impact victims just as long.
Dr Cooper's advice is to 'always go gently' on yourself as complete honesty is not always possible or appropriate. You should focus on self-forgiveness and trying to maintain honesty. One practical step is to find the truth within what you want to say, and communicate that instead. For example, it might be instinctive to tell a street fundraiser you already donate to that charity or are too busy to stop. But rather than inventing an excuse, you can simply say: 'That's not for me today'. The truth doesn't have to be brutal or harsh, she adds. If you don't want to go to a social engagement, instead of lying you can say: 'I don't want to come to the party tonight, but let's catch up another time'. 'Practise and it gets easier over time. It's not about being found out but about integrity and the kind of person you want to be'.
